The Gap

This is so true and I'm going to let it speak on it's own today.

THE GAP
by Michael Crelinsten

The gap between those who have lost children and those who have not is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one, whose children are well and intact, can be expected to understand what parents who have lost children have absorbed, what they bear. Our daughter now comes to us through every blade of grass, every crack in the sidewalk, every bowl of breakfast cereal, every kid on a scooter. We seek contact with her atoms - her hairbrush, her toothbrush, her clothing. We reach for what was integrally woven into the fabric of our lives, now torn and shredded. What we had wanted, when she so suddenly took ill, was for her to be treated. We wanted her to be annoyed that her head had been shaved for surgery. We would have shaved ours and then watched her smile as we recovered together, whatever the nature of that recovery. Recover is no longer a part of our vocabulary. Now we simply walk through the noise and debris of our personal ground zero.

A black hole has been blown through our souls and, indeed, it often does not allow the light to escape. It is a difficult place. For us to enter there is to be cut deeply, and torn anew, each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our loss. Yet we return, again and again, for that is where she now resides. This will be so for years to come and it will change us, profoundly. At some point in the distant future, the edges of that hole will have tempered and softened but the empty space will remain - a life sentence. It is not unlike a dog who, suddenly hit by a car, survives. The impact is devastating and leaves the animal in shock, confusion and despair. In time the animal recovers adequately to spend the remainder of its life on three legs. It is not that he is unable, eventually, to function or even to laugh and play. The reality, however, is that, on three legs from here on, every step he takes, every action, virtually every breath reminds him of what he has lost. We are that animal.

Our community of friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We grieve for our daughter, in part, through talking about her and our feelings for having lost her. Some go there with us, others cannot and, through their denial add a further measure, however unwitting, to an already heavy burden. This was not a sprained ankle or major surgery that we suffered. Assuming that we may be feeling “better” 6 months later is simply “to not get it”. The excruciating and isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically sealed from the nature of any other human experience. Thus it is a trap - those whose compassion and insight we most need are those for whom we abhor the experience that would allow them that sensitivity and capacity. And, yet, somehow, there are those, each in their own fashion, who have found a way to reach us and stay, to our immeasurable comfort. They have understood, again each in their own way, that Alexis remains our daughter through our memory of her. Her memory is sustained through speaking about her and our feelings about her death. Deny this and you deny her life. Deny her life and you have no place in ours. That’s the equation. How different people have responded to our loss, or not, transcends a range of attitudes and personal histories. It is teaching us much about human capacity and experience, albeit at a searing price. Parents’ memories of a lost child sustain that life. It should be the other way around.

We recognize that we have removed to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that accompanies us, sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it it’s own voice we fear we would become truly unreachable and so we remain “strong” for a host of reasons even as the strength saps our energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings we would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet we dare not do otherwise. People who understand this dynamic are our gold standard. Working our way through this over the years will change us as does every experience - and extreme experience changes one extremely. We know we will have actually managed to survive when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal. We do not know who we will be at that point nor who will still be with us.

There will come a time, quite some number of years down the road, when the balance between the desperate awareness of what we have lost when our daughter died will be somewhat balanced by the warm and joyful memories of what we had with her when she lived. I neither long for nor cringe from that time. It will simply come. We will recognize it - though now it is far beyond us.

So, yes, our beloved daughter is gone - a light in our lives gone out leaving blackness for us, left behind, to stumble through. And, while we understand and deeply feel the meaning of our phrase “Now we are lit by her only from within”, we hope, desperately, that she is wherever the light is. We are trying to understand what this means, as we seek our own way, for the remainder of our lives, to some kind of light. We love our son and are trying to breath.

We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved parents must attempt to reach out to friends and relatives or risk losing them. This is our attempt. For those, untarnished by such events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both sides of the gap.

Catching Up

Aack! I haven't had much time to post this past week, so I need to catch up while the house is quiet. Noah's asleep, Andrew's in bed, and Jamey's at work. Ahhhh!

Anyway, we went to the Royals game last week. It was our last opportunity to go this season, so we didn't want to miss it. Noah didn't care for the noise this time around, but it was still a good time. Every time the announcer would come over the speakers he would look at the lady behind us, with a very accusatory look, like it was her that was causing such a disturbance. Luckily, she thought it was funny, and he soon fell asleep anyway. Here's some pictures from the game.
Daddy and Noah


Mommy and Noah


Jamey was gone for a over the weekend to spend some boy time with Rex in AR, so the boys and I hung out at home. I got creative and made some wall words for the ledge in our living room. I think they look great. They guys are getting used to them. I'll get the picture posted soon on my sad, little creative blog. lol

Yesterday I was playing peek a boo with Noah when he grabbed the blanket and started chewing on it. I asked him if he was having to eat his blankie cause mommy was starving him (NOT!) and apparantly he thought it was the funniest thing ever! He got so cracked up. I got some great picture of his adorable smile. He's just the cutest baby and I am so in love...and so grateful. :-) Here he is all proud of himself for chewing on his blankie. lol





Isn't he the cutest? :)

Noah

There's just something about perfect, tiny hands and cute little toes that make me all giddy inside. Noah is 3 months old today! I can't believe it's been 3 months already and yet it seems like we've had him forever. He is just the sweetest little baby. He's started really flirting with me when we're nursing. I love those baby grins and lovey eyes. :) It's an amazing feeling. Also he's been sticking out his tongue for a few weeks now and yesterday he did it wanting me to play with him. I did and he just giggled. It's the cutest thing! :)

He weighed in somewhere between 17-18 lbs today. He's tripled his birth weight! Here's a picture of him ready for church last Sunday.



I took him to Walmart yesterday and stopped by the toys, trying to get ideas for Christmas. I picked up this stuffed, honey colored bear and his eyes lit up! He's never reacted to anything like that before. So, I picked up a black bear, but he wasn't interested. Showed him honey bear again and he grinned. Took it away and showed him a panda bear. Nope, not having it. So I showed him honey bear again and he lit up again as if to say, "That's the one I want mama!" It was adorable, so of course honey bear came home with us. He's still making him smile today, so he's found a new friend -though it's almost as large as he is. lol And there was no way I could wait till Christmas either seeing how much he loved him. :)
Here's some pics of him with his honeybear.

Hi mom!

Honeybear needs a kiss!


Thanks mom! I love my honeybear.

Surprise! Friends from All Over

I've been a member of a freebie/deals/sales message board for several years now (though we mainly just chat about everyday life now. lol). My friend, Lisa, came all the way from California last year to spend time with my family. We hit it off and she came back for a visit again this summer. We had a great time - though a slower time than last year due to the baby. We went to a local Amish community on Friday and had a lot of fun shopping and eating.

Here's a picture of Lisa and I.


Saturday, she wanted to go to lunch at a local restaurant. When we got there, I got the surprise of a lifetime! Waiting for me were five more of my online friends, two husbands and one daughter. lol I had never met four of them before. Once I decided that they weren't mass murderers or crazy, they all came back to my house and we spent the day chatting, laughing, drinking wine (them), and taking lots and lots of photos!! It was so much fun to meet everyone and get to know them. We had people from five different states and just listening to the different accents was so cool!
Here's the group of beautiful ladies that showed up to surprise me...

Back Row: Kathy, Krista, Jennifer
Front Row: Judi, Me, Shannon, Lisa
Center Front: Noah & 'K'


Before leaving town, they all came back over for breakfast Sunday morning and more pictures! I was so sad to see them go, but went straight to bed and napped as soon as they all left. LOL I truly love every one of them and miss them so much. I sure wish they all lived closer. I've always said that I have the best online friends ever and now I have proof! ;) Thanks ladies for the wonderful surprise.

The next morning....

Blue Butterflies & Special Visits

On August 4th Noah gifted me with his first, big, social smile. There's nothing in the world as wonderful as a baby's smile....but this leads me to Aug 5th. We were in Arkansas at the time and staying with my dad. Noah and I had just woke up and were laying in bed chatting. Well, I was chatting. He was listening. When all of a sudden he looked towards the wall behind me where not even a picture hung. His face lit up in a wondrous grin and his eyes shone with a brilliance I hadn't seen before. It was at that moment I knew I was in the presence of my baby girl. I had often wondered if she would come visit Noah after he was born and if he could really see her as I believed. Now I knew. He wasn't looking at the wall, but focused on something much closer, something that was making him grin like never before, something that had him even laughing out loud! My baby boy was enchanted and I just knew my little girl was in the room with us saying hello. It was such a blessed, bittersweet moment. It's been almost a month and I hope she comes back by for a visit soon.

The very next day we had moved on to my mom's. I was sitting in her recliner feeding Noah when she walked over to me and handed me 3 beautiful, crocheted butterflies and asked me if I wanted them, that Granny had made them. I did cause I love butterflies and set them on the table next to me. The next morning I got up, sat in the same chair and began to feed Noah. I looked over and realized I got blue butterflies. I GOT BLUE BUTTERFLIES FROM GRANNY!

Since Macy passed to Heaven I have been telling my family and friends that if you go before I do to send me a sign that you're okay...to please send me butterflies and please if at all possible, send me blue butterflies to let me know that Macy is there with you and you are both okay. Granny passed in February... I got my blue butterlies! :) (and also confirmation that Macy had been there the day before)

Here's a pic of my beautiful, blue butterflies.