I miss you so much. I just want you to come home!! And yet I know that's not possible and that you are in a much better place. I know I should be happy for you, but I'm just so sad for me. Life without you just isn't the same. I miss your constant chatter, your dancing around saying "Look at me, look at me," the way you always said, "I'm yours girl mama" Those were my favorite words in the whole world!! I want to hold you in my arms so bad. I want to do your laundry, make your bed, cook you dinner and I can't. My heart is broken and I don't know if I'll ever be okay again. I would give ANYTHING to go back in time and save you. I'm so sorry mommy couldn't save you. I'm so, so sorry. Sometimes I wonder if you're mad at me for not saving you, but I know that's silly of me. You're in a place where there is no pain, no anger...only good, and yet sometimes I still feel that way. Why haven't I heard from you. I pray all the time, just begging for any little sign that you're okay. I wish I could see you.
I went Christmas shopping for your bubba today and it just wasn't the same not being able to buy for you too. You know how I love all the little girl stuff and loved to spoil you rotten. I bought you a Macy's bear. You'd love it. She's so pretty - a white teddy with a pink sweater that says Macy's on it. I always promised you one. I wish I could give it to you in person.
Your parade comes on Thursday morning and we'll be watching! I hope that you can see us from Heaven and know how very much you are loved and missed. No one in the world could compare to you, my little girl...my wished for child. You were everything mommy ever wanted and so much more. I adored you (still do and always will!). Just knowing that you were in my life made getting up every day a pleasure. You brought so much joy into my life and I can't believe that I'm having to live here without you now. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I JUST WANT TO WAKE UP!!! GO BACK I say! Please let me change the outcome. I'm the mommy, God. You gave her to me and then took her away way too soon. I'm trying to be understanding, but I'm falling short. Please forgive me when I'm angry with you. I just have all this love to give and you have her with you now. Thank you for taking care of her. Please give her hugs and tell her I love her.
Macy, I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait till the day that we'll all be together forever and NOTHING will be able to tear us apart again. I miss you with every breath I take. Just remember.... NO MATTER WHAT!
All my love,
mommy
December 6, 2006 - Wednesday
 | The clock is ticking on our upcoming trip to Disneyworld. We fly out Saturday morning (EARLY, lol). Got the earliest flight I could so we could GET THERE!! :D I am sooo Nervous! I feel so unprepared. I put off making our dinner ressies, even when I knew I shouldn't, because I just couldn't bring myself to do them. So, now I'm fighting with everyone else over cancellations. I'm not doing too bad really. I only need 2 more...and I guess we'll deal with it if we can't get them....if we have to.... :( ;p Plus I have a schedule made for us, but not a touring plan - as in which ride in which order for the maximum benefit of our vacationing pleasure. Darn the Dis for inspiring the commando in me! So, I'm panicking that I'm going to miss something or end up on something that I really didn't want to do and am wasting valuable time. LOL On the other hand I'm still stuck in AR. Been here for over a week now and I am ready to go HOME! I won't even get to pack for our trip till Friday night. Yikes! Had surgery last week on my arm (last one - crossing fingers) and have been recuperating. I have my checkup on Thursday and then I can go home. Didn't ask my doctor if I could travel.... ;p I'm a little sore and can't do any lifting, but that will just get me out of lugging around the backpack on our vacation. heehee Love ya honeybutt! I miss Macy so much I just want to scream! The missing her builds up day after day until I literally want to scream. There's just no release from it because I can't see her, can't hold her, can't touch her. :( Wonder if I really would feel better after screaming? Might have to give that one a try.... Her headstone came in last week and we can finally put our precious girl to rest. We have a ceremony planned for after Christmas when we can all be there/here. We are taking a lock of her hair to Disneyworld with us and leaving a part of Macy in the Rose Garden by Cinderella's castle. We've heard of people leaving ashes there, but decided that was just too much for us. I want her ashes all together. That's very important to me! I miss my little girl so much. :(
December 18, 2006 - Monday | I believe that the miniscule amount we can see with our earthly eyes is only a drop in the ocean of what exists in and beyond our Universe. I believe that Macy is not dead, but alive and well in Heaven. She's happy, she's healthy, she's loved, and she has wisdom and joys far beyond my comprehension now. Doesn't stop me from missing her though.
I've been waiting and waiting to hear from my girl. I want to see her. I want my visit telling me that she's okay NOW, but I'm trying to be patient.... I mean, I "know" she's okay, but I'm her mama, I want to "KNOW"!!
I say all this because something VERY, VERY cool has happened to me twice recently!! Let me start by saying that while I was staying with my mom after surgery two weeks ago, I was lying in bed one night. All of the sudden I saw a brilliant blue light near the ceiling. I've always heard that if you've caught a glimpse like that, that you are in the presence of an angel and I firmly believe that there was one present with me in the room.
The next night....now I know this sounds crazy....not sure I'd be believing it myself if it hadn't of happened to me....anyway, my cat came to visit me. My cat that I had had for 13 years, that died in the fire with Macy, jumped up on my bed, walked across, laid down above my head and started purring. It was the coolest experience because I could feel the jump, (it woke me up), felt her walk all the way across the bed, felt her lay down and could actually hear her purring. It was an amazing experience. What made it even more amazing is that exactly where she jumped was a heart pillow, stuffed animal and doll, but none were knocked off and she walked like they weren't even there! I could feel the pressure from the indentation of her paws and she wasn't walking "over" anything, but through them. Told ya it was cool!!
Yesterday afternoon I took a nap and she came back again. :D Jumped up on the end of the bed and came up and laid behind my head again. I thought it was one of our cats because they were both in the house and actually opened my eyes to check, but there was no one there. :D :D I miss my kitty, but I feel so wonderful knowing that she's still with me and watching out for me.....And I feel like this is my training course (to see how I handle it) before I get to see Macy. :-) |
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