Still moving old blogs

May 24, 2007 - Thursday

Grief is like a heavy burden weighing down your whole body...like it comes out of nowhere spinning, spiraling, pulling you down until you physically feel the need to lie down. Sometimes I just want to lie down and never get up. I want to wake up in Heaven, laughing with Macy and dancing with Jesus. Andrew still doesn't understand why we can't just all go there "right now." But it's the thoughts of Andrew and Jamey and the love that has been shown by my family and friends since this whole tragic, horrible nightmare occurred that keeps me going. I have no energy right now. How do people make it through the first anniversary? I feel it coming so quickly and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I can't go back and save Macy and I can't stop the space and time from seperating us further. I feel helpless, and I hate it. The hope I feel is the assurance that we'll all be together again on the other side. I just pray that I still get to be her mommy over there, because I didn't get to finish being her mommy here. I know she doesn't need me anymore, but I sure need her...and if it helps me to hold onto my hopes then so be it. I'm not the only one feeling the pain right now. Jamey came in upset tonight and Andrew and I had a long talk earlier. He got choked up talking about Macy and he told me about a bad dream that he had had. He said, in his dream, that he was coloring on the wall in the bathroom and he looked and the crayon that he was holding said "Gas" on the side. Then suddenly he had another crayon that said "Fire" and then the whole place burned down. I HATE that he has had to undergo so much in his young life. It's not fair. None of this is fair to any of us! Sometimes I just want to scream at God, and sometimes I do, but he must have some kind of plan......he must. I keep thinking "these were my last days with Macy," "if I only knew this time last year what was about to happen," and on and on.... :( I don't want to endure this weekend, but somehow I will find the strength. June 26, 2007 - Tuesday Let's see...since I last posted: Jamey and I spent a romantic weekend in Omaha for our 11th anniversary. We had a great time and he planned it all! He booked us a really nice hotel suite, even booked the romance package so we had champagne and oh so yummy, chocolate covered strawberries. He also made reservations for a wonderful restaurant. We had a wonderful time. Gotta say I love Vacation Jamey!! My hubby is a total workaholic. He has trouble just relaxing. He's always got to be doing something, but on vacation he slows down and it's so nice to just spend that time with him in relaxed mode. We should take more vacations. ;p Right now he's building a pole barn, so I hardly get to spend time with him at all. He's almost done though. It's amazing what he can build. He went from never having built much of anything to putting in all of our sidewalks, edging, outdoor stairs, pier, gazebo, kid's jungle gym, and now a barn/shed. We didn't know he was so handy. lol Then Andrew and I spent a week with family in Arkansas. I had a doctor's appt for my one year check up. He released me!! I am done with the doctor visits! Which was just bittersweet in a way. I've come to really care about my doctor and the burn center staff and I'm going to really miss them. I only have RAVES about Dr. Hickerson and the staff at Arkansas Children's Hospital. They are wonderful and I owe them my life. My arms are permanently scarred, though they are sooooo much better than they were. I have accepted them and it's amazing how Jamey and Andrew don't "see" them. I really admire them for not being grossed out by me. ;) While in AR, Melinda and I managed to squeeze in 2 nights of scrapbooking. We had so much fun. We've been friends since Kindergarten and I love her so much. We talk every day, but I wish we lived closer. I miss you girl! April and May have come and gone. I have survived the first year anniversaries. It was really, really tough, but I'm still here, still pressing forward. I can't believe it's been over a year since I've held my girl, heard her voice, seen her smile. "Hug, Hug, Kiss, Kiss, mmm mmm" is what she'd always say. I miss that soooo much. I still cry every day, but it's not always sobbing anymore. (Though today was one of those days.) Sometimes it's just quiet tears and the usual heart stabbing pains. I still want her back, still wish she could just come back to us. I don't know that I'll ever make peace with that. I keep trying to understand "why?" and there are no answers. I'm just driving myself insane and yet I can't just let it go. Not yet.... Maybe someday I'll make it there. Andrew is almost done playing baseball. He's been playing first base this year and he's really getting the hang of the game. He's quite talented, if I do say so myself! lol I'm so grateful I still have him to drive me crazy. =D September 17, 2007 - Monday I have not blogged in such a long time, so I thought I'd do a little catching up with everyone. Since the last time I wrote, I have had the pleasure of meeting several of my online friends. Lisa and her little boy came to visit us all the way from California!! We had such a good time together. You're always nervous meeting someone new (especially when they're staying with you), but we really hit it off. It was a pleasure to spend some quality time in person and I miss her and Jake! I also got to meet another friend from the same board while Lisa was here. We met Heather for dinner and she is such a sweetheart! I really enjoyed meeting her as well. We, Finally, camped out in our backyard. Andrew and I bought Jamey a tent for Father's Day and we just now got around to using it. We cooked hot dogs and made smore's over an open fire and had a great night. Except that I woke up in the middle of the night when the tent came crashing in on us. I openend my eyes to see flying kitty on top of the roof, coming at me. Imagine, a flattened cat's shadow upon waking, right in your face. lol Of course, Jamey and Andrew didn't even roll over. Men! They can sleep through anything!! I just kicked him off (the cat) and went back to sleep. Last week, Jamey and I and some of his writers went to St. Louis for a convention and I got to meet yet another good online friend, Shannon and her daughter. Totally loved her too! Can I pick 'em or what? lol We all had a blast in St. Louis!! Went to a Cardinals game that had a long rain delay before getting started, so we ended up only seeing 2 innings before we had to be back on the bus, but the stadium was beautiful and the weather was so nice...It was a great day. We also went to Dave and Busters, which was a first time for all of us and we were like little kids for the night. LOVED it!! Gonna have to visit the new one in KC! While there, Jamey and I fell in LOVE with.......ducks!! LOL Our hotel room opened onto a green behind us with a stream and ducks. We fed them leftover peanuts from the game the first day there and had friends for the whole trip. We want to get ducks for our pond now. They were even trying to jump up in our laps for us to feed them by the time we left. Wish I knew how to insert pictures here.... Andrew is doing really well in school so far this year and we all love his teacher. That's always a big worry at the beginning of the year, but we are truly blessed this time. He's still in Zenith (gifted and talented) and they are studying Route 66 this year. He's having lots of fun learning about that. We did learn that he needs glasses though. He was having trouble seeing the board, so we took him in and sure enough, his eyes are pretty bad. In fact they are twice as bad as mine! I feel so bad for him. I hate seeing little ones in glasses, and having to keep up with them, etc. but he's fine with it. So, I'm trying to be. They should be in this week. I can't wait for him to see what he's been missing! :) Since we were already there, I made an appt too and got contacts. I'm still adjusting to them, but it's so nice to be able to see now. lol I'm still scrapbooking and still loving it. I've been learning new techniques and stretching myself. I will be trying out for my first design team next week. Wish me luck. I really want to make it, but don't know if I have enough experience yet. It's only a few more weeks to the big scrapbooking convention in KC though. CAN'T WAIT!!! Did you get that? I CAN'T WAIT!!!!! Jamey and I are also working on a little "project" of our own. So, if you could say a prayer for us, that would be great. I'm not as young as I used to be. We really want a baby! There's still a huge hole in my heart, but it's a permanent one. With back to school, and everyone already discussing Christmas lists, it's been hard lately. I miss her sooooooooo much. I want her here! I know she's better where she's at, but I can't help being selfish. I love her and miss her and wish that I could spend every moment with her. I hate that this has happened to us. I don't want to be the parent of a child that has passed on. I didn't sign up for this God and I don't like it! But overall, I think we are handling everything pretty well and functioning very well. It's just that nothing we experience will ever be as "sweet" as it once was.