Old Blogs Part 2

October 5, 2006

Couldn't sleep tonight. Didn't even attempt to go to bed till 5 and then I started bawling and woke Jamey up.

I physically hurt tonight from missing her so much. My heart hurts so much and my arms are aching from wanting to hold my little girl. This is pure torture and I hate it. I want to just curl up in a little ball and die. I not only lost my girl, but also my best friend and there are times like tonight that I don't even want to go on. Why did God leave me here? And who's the idiot that said God won't give you more than you can handle?? Because tonight I feel like knocking the crap out of him!

I thought I could write, but I'm just hurting too much to even attempt writing it out. I've been sitting here for another hour and can't even put the pain into words. Andrew will be up soon, so I need to get to bed, (Jamey takes him to school). I don't want to start his day off bad knowing what a rough night mommy had. :(


October 17, 2006

I survived my birthday. I was really, really hoping to hear from Macy, but no such luck. :-( I don't know if I'm still hurting too much to receive messges or what, but I have to say I'm getting jealous of Jamey. He's had a vision and a direct gift from her. Me, lots of small things, but nothing profound. I want profound! I want to be knocked off my feet and KNOW that it's a message from my little girl and that she's okay.

Anyway, back to Friday. Jamey picked Andrew up from school early and they ran around ordering me a cake and doing some shopping. :-) Then they came and picked me up and we drove down to the city. We went to Oak Park Mall that's way down on the Southern side of town, but well worth it. It has a Sephora!! I have been wanting to go there and check out the Bare Escentuals in person. I always have to order online and have only ordered a few eyeshadows cause it's so hard to tell what they look like through the computer screen. So, I found too many, lol, and ended up buying myself four new ones as a present to myself. We also visited Build a bear for some new clothes for our animals and the Disney store, but didn't have much luck there. We were looking for some matching long sleeve shirts for our trip, but they didn't have anything. We'll have to just order online or I may get crafty and make us some! ;p

Then we ate at Lonestar and Andrew really, really wanted ribs. We didn't think he could eat all of them, but he proved us wrong. lol He finished them off in no time. I'll post the messy pic for y'all. Andrew even had them sing to me. Of course, when they came over to sing he was in the bathroom, so they left my hot fudge sundae and said they'd be back when he got back. I didn't want to eat it till after they sang, so it was just sitting there melting waiting for everyone to get back. I gave in and started eating anyway. lol Dinner was good, and then we headed back, swung by the bakery to pick up my cake, and came home where they made me go to the bedroom while they "set up". They're so cute.

All in all it was a good day. I Love all the myspace messages, online greetings, snail mail cards and ecards from everyone!! Y'all really started my day off well. I draw a lot of strength from my friends and am so blessed to have so many that have stood by me during these hard times. Thank you all!!

Saturday was a different story. I thought I was going to have to go sit in the truck at Andrew's ball game because I kept tearing up. I was very emotional all day. It's just still so unbelievable that Macy is gone and never coming back. I miss her more than I could ever put into words. I physically ache for her. :-( By last night I didn't even want to go on anymore. I accidentally woke Jamey up when I tried to go to bed earlier (at 4 am), he got up so I did too and we sat and talked and cried for over an hour. Then I let him come back to bed and I stayed up trying to clear my head from crying. Ended up going to bed at 6:45 this morning. I have got to get out of this viscious cycle!

However, the rest of my week should be good. I'm headed down to Arkansas on Wed for a dr. appt on Thursday and then I'm going with my mom, aunt and a group of women to War Eagle and Applegate. They're HUGE craft fairs that happen once a year. I've never been, so I'm really excited to go. :-) I need the break!

I'll update on my trip next week.