November 15, 2006
The wedding was WONDERFUL!! It was better than I ever imagined. :D Melinda, Jennifer, Jason & their kids arrived on Friday night and my parents arrived on Saturday afternoon. So, Saturday morning I took the girls down to Zona Rosa in KC for some shopping before my parents got here. It was a dream come true to get my 2 best friends together for some girl time. :) I loved having them here.
We got back Saturday afternoon and started dinner and wedding preparations. Everyone else arrived and things turned into a (good) madhouse at that point. lol Everyone was busy, busy, busy getting it all ready. We just had a simple ceremony at our house. That's how we wanted it and it worked out perfectly. In fact I enjoyed this so much more than our first wedding. lol
We had it just after dark, in our back yard. We lit up the night with candles, butterfly lights, paper lanterns and the fire pit. It looked incredible. I told everyone to dress very casual because it was going to be COLD out there and it was, but I didn't even feel cold once. :D
I wrote our own vows so the service would be personal and included a place for us to say our own thing too. Jamey did wonderful! What he said was so sweet, and made everyone cry.
After our vows we had a candle lighting for Macy. I read a poem and there wasn't a dry eye among the crowd. It was beautiful! And I know she was smiling down on us. I also gave out rubber bracelets in blue/white swirl that said Forever in Our Hearts with butterflies on either side. It was difficult to do this without her, but I actually got through it better than I thought I would. We made her a big part of the ceremony by using the Disney songs, using her rocks in displays and flower basket, and the candlelighting.
We closed the service by having all our family and friends read a marriage prayer for us. Everyone was so choked up from the candle lighting that it was difficult, but as I was listening I could hear our loved ones voices blending back and forth into each other. Someone, different voices at different times, carried the prayer all the way through.
I walked in to "Can you feel the Love Tonight" and we went out to "Kiss the Girl" and everyone blowing bubbles. This was our little Disney tribute to Macy and our upcoming honeymoon.
After the ceremony we came inside and ate and ate and ate! lol Everyone had seconds. We had pork loin, twice baked potatoes, sweet potatoes, baked beans, rolls and of course, cake for desert!
We just enjoyed the evening and each other's company and like I said before, I enjoyed it so much more than my first wedding where we just did the ceremony, had a short reception and left. We had a cozy, intimate evening with those we love most in the world. I wouldn't have changed a thing! (Except of course having Macy there. I would have given anything for that)
Late in the evening Jamey and I left the house to everyone else and we went over to St. Joe to spend the night at the hotel. It was the first day of hunting season and we had to go through a sobriety check point to get there!! Fortunately for us the strongest thing we..d had was sparkling grape juice. The next morning we had a Wonderful breakfast at Ryan..s and headed back to an empty house. Everyone had left early and cleaned up too! Yay! We were able to come home and rest instead of diving into clean up mode.
Now, we're getting ready for our Disney vacation/honeymoon in 24 (woohoo) days! :D
November 20, 2006
My precious Macy,
I miss you so much. I just want you to come home!! And yet I know that's not possible and that you are in a much better place. I know I should be happy for you, but I'm just so sad for me. Life without you just isn't the same. I miss your constant chatter, your dancing around saying "Look at me, look at me," the way you always said, "I'm yours girl mama" Those were my favorite words in the whole world!! I want to hold you in my arms so bad. I want to do your laundry, make your bed, cook you dinner and I can't. My heart is broken and I don't know if I'll ever be okay again. I would give ANYTHING to go back in time and save you. I'm so sorry mommy couldn't save you. I'm so, so sorry. Sometimes I wonder if you're mad at me for not saving you, but I know that's silly of me. You're in a place where there is no pain, no anger...only good, and yet sometimes I still feel that way. Why haven't I heard from you. I pray all the time, just begging for any little sign that you're okay. I wish I could see you.
I went Christmas shopping for your bubba today and it just wasn't the same not being able to buy for you too. You know how I love all the little girl stuff and loved to spoil you rotten. I bought you a Macy's bear. You'd love it. She's so pretty - a white teddy with a pink sweater that says Macy's on it. I always promised you one. I wish I could give it to you in person.
Your parade comes on Thursday morning and we'll be watching! I hope that you can see us from Heaven and know how very much you are loved and missed. No one in the world could compare to you, my little girl...my wished for child. You were everything mommy ever wanted and so much more. I adored you (still do and always will!). Just knowing that you were in my life made getting up every day a pleasure. You brought so much joy into my life and I can't believe that I'm having to live here without you now. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I JUST WANT TO WAKE UP!!! GO BACK I say! Please let me change the outcome. I'm the mommy, God. You gave her to me and then took her away way too soon. I'm trying to be understanding, but I'm falling short. Please forgive me when I'm angry with you. I just have all this love to give and you have her with you now. Thank you for taking care of her. Please give her hugs and tell her I love her.
Macy, I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait till the day that we'll all be together forever and NOTHING will be able to tear us apart again. I miss you with every breath I take. Just remember.... NO MATTER WHAT!
All my love,
Mommy
December 6, 2006
The clock is ticking on our upcoming trip to Disneyworld. We fly out Saturday morning (EARLY, lol). Got the earliest flight I could so we could GET THERE!! :D I am sooo Nervous! I feel so unprepared. I put off making our dinner ressies, even when I knew I shouldn't, because I just couldn't bring myself to do them. So, now I'm fighting with everyone else over cancellations. I'm not doing too bad really. I only need 2 more...and I guess we'll deal with it if we can't get them....if we have to.... :( ;p Plus I have a schedule made for us, but not a touring plan - as in which ride in which order for the maximum benefit of our vacationing pleasure. Darn the Dis for inspiring the commando in me! So, I'm panicking that I'm going to miss something or end up on something that I really didn't want to do and am wasting valuable time. LOL
On the other hand I'm still stuck in AR. Been here for over a week now and I am ready to go HOME! I won't even get to pack for our trip till Friday night. Yikes! Had surgery last week on my arm (last one - crossing fingers) and have been recuperating. I have my checkup on Thursday and then I can go home. Didn't ask my doctor if I could travel.... ;p I'm a little sore and can't do any lifting, but that will just get me out of lugging around the backpack on our vacation. heehee Love ya honeybutt!
I miss Macy so much I just want to scream! The missing her builds up day after day until I literally want to scream. There's just no release from it because I can't see her, can't hold her, can't touch her. :( Wonder if I really would feel better after screaming? Might have to give that one a try.... Her headstone came in last week and we can finally put our precious girl to rest. We have a ceremony planned for after Christmas when we can all be there/here. We are taking a lock of her hair to Disneyworld with us and leaving a part of Macy in the Rose Garden by Cinderella's castle. We've heard of people leaving ashes there, but decided that was just too much for us. I want her ashes all together. That's very important to me! I miss my little girl so much. :(
December 18, 2006
I believe that the miniscule amount we can see with our earthly eyes is only a drop in the ocean of what exists in and beyond our Universe. I believe that Macy is not dead, but alive and well in Heaven. She's happy, she's healthy, she's loved, and she has wisdom and joys far beyond my comprehension now. Doesn't stop me from missing her though.
I've been waiting and waiting to hear from my girl. I want to see her. I want my visit telling me that she's okay NOW, but I'm trying to be patient.... I mean, I "know" she's okay, but I'm her mama, I want to "KNOW"!!
I say all this because something VERY, VERY cool has happened to me twice recently!! Let me start by saying that while I was staying with my mom after surgery two weeks ago, I was lying in bed one night. All of the sudden I saw a brilliant blue light near the ceiling. I've always heard that if you've caught a glimpse like that, that you are in the presence of an angel and I firmly believe that there was one present with me in the room.
The next night....now I know this sounds crazy....not sure I'd be believing it myself if it hadn't of happened to me....anyway, my cat came to visit me. My cat that I had had for 13 years, that died in the fire with Macy, jumped up on my bed, walked across, laid down above my head and started purring. It was the coolest experience because I could feel the jump, (it woke me up), felt her walk all the way across the bed, felt her lay down and could actually hear her purring. It was an amazing experience. What made it even more amazing is that exactly where she jumped was a heart pillow, stuffed animal and doll, but none were knocked off and she walked like they weren't even there! I could feel the pressure from the indentation of her paws and she wasn't walking "over" anything, but through them. Told ya it was cool!!
Yesterday afternoon I took a nap and she came back again. :D Jumped up on the end of the bed and came up and laid behind my head again. I thought it was one of our cats because they were both in the house and actually opened my eyes to check, but there was no one there. :D :D I miss my kitty, but I feel so wonderful knowing that she's still with me and watching out for me.....And I feel like this is my training course (to see how I handle it) before I get to see Macy. :-)
Monday, April 6, 2009
Old Blogs Part 3 (Macy's Eulogy)
November 6, 2006 - Monday
Macy's Eulogy
This was written by her daddy for her memorial service and deserved it's own post.
My Sweetheart, Macy
Many of you never really knew Macy while she was here with us. Today, in honor of her, I am going to share a few stories about her so that when you leave here, you might know a little more about my little girl.
You just have to know Macy..she is special. She is that first lightning bug just after dusk. She is the rainbow after a stormy day. She is light, personified in a little girl..a little girl that is now with God.
Macy has not ceased to be, she has just moved from this world to heaven that is why I struggle to not use the past tense when describe her or telling stories about her.
Macy loves people and animals but mostly animals. Whether it was the menagerie of stuffed animals that she always kept nearby or the real puppies, kittens, deer, bunnies or birds that she cared for or watched....she had already discussed being a veterinarian. Most little girls talk about being a vet but I really think Macy had the follow through and the passion.
Macy loves nature. She loved the detail of leaves, flowers and feathers she would find on the ground. She found beauty in nature from an early age, collecting rocks, and sticks.
Macy loves good food. She had a special fondness for vegetables, things like carrots, tomatoes and one of his special favorites was broccoli...which she called ..little trees... She loved chocolate and could eat a candy bar faster than anyone I know. She would hide candy in her room, usually behind her bed.
Macy loves ..treasures... A pretty rock was like a diamond. She would often collect them and hide them in ..special places.. wherever she was. Every family member here can think of a special spot where Macy would hide her little treasures.
Macy is Funny. Really funny. She can brighten a day with a witty little saying or funny face. She is animated and sometimes over-dramatic. When she was really trying to win an argument or get her way, she usually would bob her head a little more than usual.
Macy is a social butterfly. She loved to meet people, especially on the playground. Usually she would announce herself as she approached a group of kids by saying, ..Hi, my name is Macy Honeycutt..what is your name?.. She loved to swing and her long legs were great for pumping back and forth and keeping her speed up.
She was a member of the Cheetah Girls at her school. An elite little girls club and circle of friends that they created during recess.
She was great at jump rope and had mastered the art of whistling in the past year. She has a great imagination, often living out little scenarios and make-believe ideas for hours..and sometimes days. I would often have to ask her to stop being a puppy or little bird long enough to eat dinner. It is amazing how many carrots a puppy will eat if allowed to sit at the table.
Everybody that knows Macy, has a Macy story or two or twenty. She was the opposite of ordinary...she just added something to the flavor of life when she was around.
Macy loves things ..just so.., especially when it comes to her stuffed animals or dolls. She would arrange them meticulously...next to each other so that friends were sitting together, or by social class or alphabetical or whatever method she had dreamed up that day.
Often, she would have very little room in her bed after all the animals and dolls were arranged and tucked in but that is how she likes it.
Macy has always had a unique perspective on things. Sometimes she is incredibly abstract...sometimes she is incredibly succinct and matter of fact. When Macy was a couple of years younger mom was pushing her on the swing. Noticing that she was slipping in the seat, Mom said, ..Macy, is your bottom sliding?.. ..No Nana.. she replied,..My bottom is swinging!..
Macy would always do little creative things that would brighten your day, even after she left you presence. When she would visit me, she would always leave two of her little stuffed birds somewhere in the house for me to find. Sometimes they would be ..nesting.. in a ficus in the living room or sitting in a basket or waiting for me to visit the bathroom.
She loved art and drawing but she really liked to play store. She was always pricing the items in her room and keeping posted store hours. Usually you were encouraged to browse but purchases were never final.
Whenever I looked a little down, she would always bring a stuffed chipmunk to me, put it in my face, bob it..s little head and say ..chip, chip... She was convinced that that is how chip monks sounded and that ..chip chip.. could basically mean anything that I needed to hear at the moment. She was right.
Sometimes Macy could say things that were incredibly profound. Once, when she was struggling to explain something, she said something that seemed a little insensitive at the time. Upon gauging our reaction she began to tear up a little, and said....sometimes the words just don..t come out right... That is so true. Sometimes the words just don..t come out right, no matter how hard you try.
Well, here are some words that do come out right...Macy, we love you, and while we are sad for us that you were only with us for a little while, we are so happy that you are making Heaven just a little more perfect because you are there.
Macy's Eulogy
This was written by her daddy for her memorial service and deserved it's own post.
My Sweetheart, Macy
Many of you never really knew Macy while she was here with us. Today, in honor of her, I am going to share a few stories about her so that when you leave here, you might know a little more about my little girl.
You just have to know Macy..she is special. She is that first lightning bug just after dusk. She is the rainbow after a stormy day. She is light, personified in a little girl..a little girl that is now with God.
Macy has not ceased to be, she has just moved from this world to heaven that is why I struggle to not use the past tense when describe her or telling stories about her.
Macy loves people and animals but mostly animals. Whether it was the menagerie of stuffed animals that she always kept nearby or the real puppies, kittens, deer, bunnies or birds that she cared for or watched....she had already discussed being a veterinarian. Most little girls talk about being a vet but I really think Macy had the follow through and the passion.
Macy loves nature. She loved the detail of leaves, flowers and feathers she would find on the ground. She found beauty in nature from an early age, collecting rocks, and sticks.
Macy loves good food. She had a special fondness for vegetables, things like carrots, tomatoes and one of his special favorites was broccoli...which she called ..little trees... She loved chocolate and could eat a candy bar faster than anyone I know. She would hide candy in her room, usually behind her bed.
Macy loves ..treasures... A pretty rock was like a diamond. She would often collect them and hide them in ..special places.. wherever she was. Every family member here can think of a special spot where Macy would hide her little treasures.
Macy is Funny. Really funny. She can brighten a day with a witty little saying or funny face. She is animated and sometimes over-dramatic. When she was really trying to win an argument or get her way, she usually would bob her head a little more than usual.
Macy is a social butterfly. She loved to meet people, especially on the playground. Usually she would announce herself as she approached a group of kids by saying, ..Hi, my name is Macy Honeycutt..what is your name?.. She loved to swing and her long legs were great for pumping back and forth and keeping her speed up.
She was a member of the Cheetah Girls at her school. An elite little girls club and circle of friends that they created during recess.
She was great at jump rope and had mastered the art of whistling in the past year. She has a great imagination, often living out little scenarios and make-believe ideas for hours..and sometimes days. I would often have to ask her to stop being a puppy or little bird long enough to eat dinner. It is amazing how many carrots a puppy will eat if allowed to sit at the table.
Everybody that knows Macy, has a Macy story or two or twenty. She was the opposite of ordinary...she just added something to the flavor of life when she was around.
Macy loves things ..just so.., especially when it comes to her stuffed animals or dolls. She would arrange them meticulously...next to each other so that friends were sitting together, or by social class or alphabetical or whatever method she had dreamed up that day.
Often, she would have very little room in her bed after all the animals and dolls were arranged and tucked in but that is how she likes it.
Macy has always had a unique perspective on things. Sometimes she is incredibly abstract...sometimes she is incredibly succinct and matter of fact. When Macy was a couple of years younger mom was pushing her on the swing. Noticing that she was slipping in the seat, Mom said, ..Macy, is your bottom sliding?.. ..No Nana.. she replied,..My bottom is swinging!..
Macy would always do little creative things that would brighten your day, even after she left you presence. When she would visit me, she would always leave two of her little stuffed birds somewhere in the house for me to find. Sometimes they would be ..nesting.. in a ficus in the living room or sitting in a basket or waiting for me to visit the bathroom.
She loved art and drawing but she really liked to play store. She was always pricing the items in her room and keeping posted store hours. Usually you were encouraged to browse but purchases were never final.
Whenever I looked a little down, she would always bring a stuffed chipmunk to me, put it in my face, bob it..s little head and say ..chip, chip... She was convinced that that is how chip monks sounded and that ..chip chip.. could basically mean anything that I needed to hear at the moment. She was right.
Sometimes Macy could say things that were incredibly profound. Once, when she was struggling to explain something, she said something that seemed a little insensitive at the time. Upon gauging our reaction she began to tear up a little, and said....sometimes the words just don..t come out right... That is so true. Sometimes the words just don..t come out right, no matter how hard you try.
Well, here are some words that do come out right...Macy, we love you, and while we are sad for us that you were only with us for a little while, we are so happy that you are making Heaven just a little more perfect because you are there.
Old Blogs Part 2
October 5, 2006
Couldn't sleep tonight. Didn't even attempt to go to bed till 5 and then I started bawling and woke Jamey up.
I physically hurt tonight from missing her so much. My heart hurts so much and my arms are aching from wanting to hold my little girl. This is pure torture and I hate it. I want to just curl up in a little ball and die. I not only lost my girl, but also my best friend and there are times like tonight that I don't even want to go on. Why did God leave me here? And who's the idiot that said God won't give you more than you can handle?? Because tonight I feel like knocking the crap out of him!
I thought I could write, but I'm just hurting too much to even attempt writing it out. I've been sitting here for another hour and can't even put the pain into words. Andrew will be up soon, so I need to get to bed, (Jamey takes him to school). I don't want to start his day off bad knowing what a rough night mommy had. :(
October 17, 2006
I survived my birthday. I was really, really hoping to hear from Macy, but no such luck. :-( I don't know if I'm still hurting too much to receive messges or what, but I have to say I'm getting jealous of Jamey. He's had a vision and a direct gift from her. Me, lots of small things, but nothing profound. I want profound! I want to be knocked off my feet and KNOW that it's a message from my little girl and that she's okay.
Anyway, back to Friday. Jamey picked Andrew up from school early and they ran around ordering me a cake and doing some shopping. :-) Then they came and picked me up and we drove down to the city. We went to Oak Park Mall that's way down on the Southern side of town, but well worth it. It has a Sephora!! I have been wanting to go there and check out the Bare Escentuals in person. I always have to order online and have only ordered a few eyeshadows cause it's so hard to tell what they look like through the computer screen. So, I found too many, lol, and ended up buying myself four new ones as a present to myself. We also visited Build a bear for some new clothes for our animals and the Disney store, but didn't have much luck there. We were looking for some matching long sleeve shirts for our trip, but they didn't have anything. We'll have to just order online or I may get crafty and make us some! ;p
Then we ate at Lonestar and Andrew really, really wanted ribs. We didn't think he could eat all of them, but he proved us wrong. lol He finished them off in no time. I'll post the messy pic for y'all. Andrew even had them sing to me. Of course, when they came over to sing he was in the bathroom, so they left my hot fudge sundae and said they'd be back when he got back. I didn't want to eat it till after they sang, so it was just sitting there melting waiting for everyone to get back. I gave in and started eating anyway. lol Dinner was good, and then we headed back, swung by the bakery to pick up my cake, and came home where they made me go to the bedroom while they "set up". They're so cute.
All in all it was a good day. I Love all the myspace messages, online greetings, snail mail cards and ecards from everyone!! Y'all really started my day off well. I draw a lot of strength from my friends and am so blessed to have so many that have stood by me during these hard times. Thank you all!!
Saturday was a different story. I thought I was going to have to go sit in the truck at Andrew's ball game because I kept tearing up. I was very emotional all day. It's just still so unbelievable that Macy is gone and never coming back. I miss her more than I could ever put into words. I physically ache for her. :-( By last night I didn't even want to go on anymore. I accidentally woke Jamey up when I tried to go to bed earlier (at 4 am), he got up so I did too and we sat and talked and cried for over an hour. Then I let him come back to bed and I stayed up trying to clear my head from crying. Ended up going to bed at 6:45 this morning. I have got to get out of this viscious cycle!
However, the rest of my week should be good. I'm headed down to Arkansas on Wed for a dr. appt on Thursday and then I'm going with my mom, aunt and a group of women to War Eagle and Applegate. They're HUGE craft fairs that happen once a year. I've never been, so I'm really excited to go. :-) I need the break!
I'll update on my trip next week.
Couldn't sleep tonight. Didn't even attempt to go to bed till 5 and then I started bawling and woke Jamey up.
I physically hurt tonight from missing her so much. My heart hurts so much and my arms are aching from wanting to hold my little girl. This is pure torture and I hate it. I want to just curl up in a little ball and die. I not only lost my girl, but also my best friend and there are times like tonight that I don't even want to go on. Why did God leave me here? And who's the idiot that said God won't give you more than you can handle?? Because tonight I feel like knocking the crap out of him!
I thought I could write, but I'm just hurting too much to even attempt writing it out. I've been sitting here for another hour and can't even put the pain into words. Andrew will be up soon, so I need to get to bed, (Jamey takes him to school). I don't want to start his day off bad knowing what a rough night mommy had. :(
October 17, 2006
I survived my birthday. I was really, really hoping to hear from Macy, but no such luck. :-( I don't know if I'm still hurting too much to receive messges or what, but I have to say I'm getting jealous of Jamey. He's had a vision and a direct gift from her. Me, lots of small things, but nothing profound. I want profound! I want to be knocked off my feet and KNOW that it's a message from my little girl and that she's okay.
Anyway, back to Friday. Jamey picked Andrew up from school early and they ran around ordering me a cake and doing some shopping. :-) Then they came and picked me up and we drove down to the city. We went to Oak Park Mall that's way down on the Southern side of town, but well worth it. It has a Sephora!! I have been wanting to go there and check out the Bare Escentuals in person. I always have to order online and have only ordered a few eyeshadows cause it's so hard to tell what they look like through the computer screen. So, I found too many, lol, and ended up buying myself four new ones as a present to myself. We also visited Build a bear for some new clothes for our animals and the Disney store, but didn't have much luck there. We were looking for some matching long sleeve shirts for our trip, but they didn't have anything. We'll have to just order online or I may get crafty and make us some! ;p
Then we ate at Lonestar and Andrew really, really wanted ribs. We didn't think he could eat all of them, but he proved us wrong. lol He finished them off in no time. I'll post the messy pic for y'all. Andrew even had them sing to me. Of course, when they came over to sing he was in the bathroom, so they left my hot fudge sundae and said they'd be back when he got back. I didn't want to eat it till after they sang, so it was just sitting there melting waiting for everyone to get back. I gave in and started eating anyway. lol Dinner was good, and then we headed back, swung by the bakery to pick up my cake, and came home where they made me go to the bedroom while they "set up". They're so cute.
All in all it was a good day. I Love all the myspace messages, online greetings, snail mail cards and ecards from everyone!! Y'all really started my day off well. I draw a lot of strength from my friends and am so blessed to have so many that have stood by me during these hard times. Thank you all!!
Saturday was a different story. I thought I was going to have to go sit in the truck at Andrew's ball game because I kept tearing up. I was very emotional all day. It's just still so unbelievable that Macy is gone and never coming back. I miss her more than I could ever put into words. I physically ache for her. :-( By last night I didn't even want to go on anymore. I accidentally woke Jamey up when I tried to go to bed earlier (at 4 am), he got up so I did too and we sat and talked and cried for over an hour. Then I let him come back to bed and I stayed up trying to clear my head from crying. Ended up going to bed at 6:45 this morning. I have got to get out of this viscious cycle!
However, the rest of my week should be good. I'm headed down to Arkansas on Wed for a dr. appt on Thursday and then I'm going with my mom, aunt and a group of women to War Eagle and Applegate. They're HUGE craft fairs that happen once a year. I've never been, so I'm really excited to go. :-) I need the break!
I'll update on my trip next week.
Old Blogs
I'm going to work on moving all my old blogs over from myspace cause I never use it anymore and am about to shut it down. But I don't want to lose all my old blogs.
September 25, 2006
Jamey and I got divorced 2 years ago. It was such a relief at that point to be over! He was an abusive alcoholic and I was severly depressed by the end of our marriage. The kids and I moved back to Arkansas and started over. I was happy there. I had started college again majoring in English/writing and I LOVED it. My classes were inspiring and I even had a play produced, and a short story & a poem printed in the University's yearly magazine.
Last Christmas Jamey hit rock bottom and rededicated his life to the Lord. He became a new person overnight and for the first time ever Realized the magnitude of what he had done. He begged for a chance with me and I gave it to him. Things started progressing and we were planning to move back to MO and get married. Both of the kids were very excited.
Then a few weeks before we were to move at around 3:45 in the morning on May 28th, I woke up to a strange smell and no electricity. The house was on fire. At that time it was just a spark in the floor and not being awake, thought I could put it out. Well I threw something on it that burst into flames and threw smoke in my face. I ran and opened the door, took a deep breath and then turned frantically yelling at the kids to get up and get OUT of the house because it was on fire. It was so dark that night. There was no moon and no electricity. Nothing to see by. I couldn't think straight and don't feel like I did anything right. I didn't even think to go out a window. The fire was so small I thought we could just run by and out the door, and if it weren't for the massive amount of smoke that rose up and no lighting, we could have.
Andrew ran out of the house and to safety just like that, no burns, no smoke inhalation, nothing! He even swears he ran out the front door that was right by the fire. There's no way he could have done that and not get injured, but he did. He tells me that he had an angel taking him out of the house. Macy and I ran to the door. I took a step ahead to open the door and instead of running through like I thought she would, she took a step back and said, "Mommy, I'm scared" Those were the last words I heard from my daughter. The smoke welled up between us and Just like that she was gone. Where I failed to reach her, her Heavenly Father stepped in and took her home at that very moment. I still tried to reach her, the human part of me not wanting to accept, but I knew in my heart that she was gone. I felt the moment her spirit rose above us. I was on the floor trying to reach as far as I could to get her while trying to hold the door open with my foot. I knew if I closed that door we would both die and then I heard a voice tellling me that I had about 2 seconds to live and I saw in my mind Andrew sitting outside all alone and scared. I backed out the door and ran to my neighbor's house. I started screaming that Macy was still in the house and could he please just get her body out for me. I couldn't bear to think of my baby girl burning. He managed to get her out, but as I already knew, she was gone.
I was in shock. I didn't realize at that time how badly injured I was. I just thought that I had injured my hand because the skin had burned off and was bleeding. It took forever to get the ambulance there. -the second one anyway. They took Macy away in the first one trying to revive her. I met the second one in the street begging for them to make the pain stop. I have 2 memories from that part of the night; I remember going through a stop light and then I remember being on the helicopter and thinking they were airlifting me somewhere.
I woke up 4 days later in ICU at Children's Hospital in Little Rock. I found out that my baby girl had been cremated due to the damage to her body and not knowing how long I would be in a coma. And I learned how bad I was. I had 2nd degree burns over 22% of my body. Mainly my head/face, neck and arms. I had the worst case of smoke inhalation they had ever had at Children's and survived. I was a miracle and my doctor would often bring people by to show them the "miracle". I was in the hospital for 11 days and then they let me out to attend Macy's service. I went back in for 7 days for skin grafting on both my arms. That was the most (physically) painful thing I have ever experienced. I was in constant pain. I had to peel my legs away from the sheets every morning from where they had become stuck throughout the night. I couldn't even walk when I left the hospital and had to use a walker to get around. But from there I began to heal and improve. My arms are still terribly scarred and will take a LONG time to heal. I am supposed to be wearing pressure sleeves to speed the process, but I'm not that good about it. Shame on me, I know. I've been told that I was unrecognizable and that my head swelled larger than a basketball. My whole family was scared they were going to lose me on top of losing Macy. I only had a 25% chance of living those first 2 days and I truly believe I made it due to the prayers of so many.
I did get to be with Macy some while I was in the coma, but I didn't realize it until a few days later. I had memories of holding her in my lap and stroking her hair and telling her how much I loved her. That's all I could remember. I didn't know if it had happened before the accident or if I had dreamed it. One night in the hospital mom said she wanted to tell me something and proceeded to tell me that while I was out they would come in and talk to me. I responded especially to my dad's and Jamey's voices. I would pat my chest and make a "rocking a baby" motion in my arms. That's when I knew that it wasn't a dream and that we had had a chance to say goodbye one last itime on the other side. I just wish I could remember more of that moment than just the tiny bit I do.
I was on so many drugs and just trying to struggle back to health in the hospital that my grief was delayed. The first weekend I came off the drugs was HORRIBLE. It really hit me that she was gone and I cried the whole weekend. We went to Build a bear to rebuild our animals that had been so special to us and I cried. We went out to eat and I cried. We went to Walmart and it about did me in. Everything there reminded me of her. I kept seeing things that she would have loved and almost broke down completely. Since then it hasn't gotten much better. I am so sad all the time. A HUGE chunk of me is missing. She was truly my best friend and the greatest person I've ever known. I used to say that she was so much like me - only better. Much better ! And I was right, she was. All my life I wanted a little girl and she was more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. I thanked God every day for giving me such a special gift of both my children. Where Macy was my joy and my happiness, Andrew has always been my stability and my rock. At 2 years of age, he'd ask me things like, "Mom do you have enough gas? Do we need to stop?" He's always taken care of me. I've never asked him to or expected him to, but in his own little way he always has. He used to tell Jamey, "Don't talk to my mommy that way," when things were bad. He's such a little trooper.
Andrew is doing really well. We are having him visit his counselor to see if she recommends additional counseling for him. He has developed some nervous ticks we are worried about. He misses his sissy a lot. They've been together since before birth and have a bond I'll never understand but wil always treasure. However, he is doing really well in school and is currently undergoing testing for Gifted and Talented. He's also active in Awanas and Flag Football.
Jamey has been amazingly supportive through it all. I could not imagine what this experience would be like if he had not undergone his transformation. God had a plan and gave us back each other before he took our baby girl. I'll never understand why he took her so young, but I do know that she is perfect and in Heaven and happier than I could ever possibly imagine. But that doesn't take away our pain of living without her. We plan to start trying for more children early next year, but they will never be Macy or take her place. Though we do hope they carry on a few of her special traits.
I have carried much guilt over not being able to save her, but I know that it was God's plan to take her home and he knew the time of her death before she was even born just as he knows mine. I have wished many times since then that he would have taken me too. I just want to be where she is. Life is so different now. Having part of myself on the other side already, has changed my whole outlook on everything. I think so much more about the future and my home in Heaven and how I can be a better person to honor her memory.
One thing I haven't metioned yet, but is so, so important is the AMAZING support I have received from my community, my family and my online friends and strangers! You see, I was a single parent and thought that no one cared about me. My own mother wasn't even speaking to me till the accident. But after it happened people came from all over to just sit at the hospital and pray, prayer chains were formed, financial help came pouring in, cards came from all around the country. My CZ. Fugee, and Dis friends came out in full force sending cards, gifts, letters and prayers. I LOVE YOU ALL. You are what has gotten me through so far and lift me up each day. I would not have and could not make it without your support. It's been incredible and unbelievable and never again will I make the mistake of believing that I'm not important or cared about. I Lost so much in one night; my precious daughter, my home, my belongings, my hair, and much of my skin, but I received a special gift too. I will never forget the look in my mother's eyes when I woke up from the coma. They were just sparkling with so much love that I had never seen before and always wanted. :) I received love from all over and I will carry your love with me all the days of my life.
September 29, 2006
My poor son came crashing down today. He's been so tough and so strong, but we knew that his time was coming. He's been through so much with the fire, his sissy dying, his mommy almost dying, losing everything he owned, and moving, so we knew eventually it would catch up with him.
So, Jamey contacted the school counselor and had her meet with him to see if she recommended additional counseling. Today she pullled him from class and talked to him then gave us a call back letting us know that he's doing well, but she does recommend additional counseling for him. He has picked up a lot of nervous habits like moving his fingers all the time and making motions with his arms that he didn't do before.
Anyway, he was in a sad mood when he got home and I asked him about the session. He wanted to know How I knew about that (duh!) and didn't really want to talk to me about anything. So, I let it drop.
Tonight was his flag football practice and he's been reluctant to play. Jamey insisted that he give it a try and signed him up. He's been having fun some of the time and some not. We went outside and practiced before time to leave and he was fine and having fun.
Fast forward to later, they get home from practice and his eyes are all red. Jamey said that at the end of practice Andrew just walked over to the coach and told him that he didn't want to be there and didn't want to play anymore and then broke down crying. Jamey was stunned, so I went into mommy mode...Jamey left for a little while and I set down to talk to Andrew. He was upset about EVERYTHING. He doesn't want to play because he's never home, he doesn't like running and is embarrassed (because Jamey made fun of him like dad's do sometimes, but it just broke his heart), because he really didn't want to play in the first place but daddy wanted him to and he's afraid that his daddy will be mad at him if he doesn't like it and on and on. He just broke down bawling on me and I know it's not just about football, but everything that weighs on his little shoulders.
So, we had a good talk and then Jamey came back and talked with him and then we all talked together. We're going to let him quit football and we're not going to enroll him in Taikwondo (that he's really wanting to do, but we feel like he wouldn't be happy there at the moment either) and we are just going to focus on being a family and doing more together as a unit. Oh, he was also concerned that if he kept playing he'd move up to "tackling" and was afraid he'd get hurt. I really think he's afraid of dying after all he's been through and that just breaks my heart. I know God has a plan and I can even understand taking Macy, and "us" getting used to it, But why did he take her from Andrew?? She was his best friend. They completed each other perfectly and now he's an only child. Even when we have more children (that he's really pushing for) they'll be so far apart in age that they won't be close playmates. :-(
I'm just so sad for all of us. I can handle my grief, but knowing that he's hurting so much is really difficult. :-(
October 1, 2006
After all the drama last week, Andrew decided he wanted to play football after all....30 minutes before the game! Jamey had him call his coach to let him know that he is for sure quitting and low and behold he tells his coach that he wants to play. So, we hurry and get ready and head to his game where he does GREAT! He totally saved the game in one play near the end. He kept the other team from scoring the winning touchdown, which kept the game a tie, but they don't really keep score anyway. Um yeah right, the parents do. lol
Anyway, his coach was so proud that he called and congratulated him last night and then caught him after church this morning and told him again. Andrew was soo proud!
He also got accepted into the gifted and talented program at school and is also very excited about that. So, he ended up having a good week after all. :)
I've had a better week as well. I still miss my girl with every breath I take, but I haven't cried as much -which means I only cry every day not all day every day. I just don't understand why she had to go so young, but I know that I will never have that answer as long as I'm on this side. I look down the road of life without her and it seems so long and bleak...but I digress. This is supposed to be a good update.
The rest of our new furniture came in Friday so that lifted my spirits a bit. The house is looking really good and I'll try to take some pics and upload them later this week.
Jamey and I are doing better than we ever have. I have been so hesitant to trust him again, but he's been so patient, and kind, and understanding. He finally realized that trust is earned and he's done a wonderful job of earning mine. He truly is a new person and a testament to the power of the Lord in one's life. =D
This week I've got to work on getting our wedding invitations finished and making our dinner reservations for Disney or we're not going to get to eat while we're there!! lol
September 25, 2006
Jamey and I got divorced 2 years ago. It was such a relief at that point to be over! He was an abusive alcoholic and I was severly depressed by the end of our marriage. The kids and I moved back to Arkansas and started over. I was happy there. I had started college again majoring in English/writing and I LOVED it. My classes were inspiring and I even had a play produced, and a short story & a poem printed in the University's yearly magazine.
Last Christmas Jamey hit rock bottom and rededicated his life to the Lord. He became a new person overnight and for the first time ever Realized the magnitude of what he had done. He begged for a chance with me and I gave it to him. Things started progressing and we were planning to move back to MO and get married. Both of the kids were very excited.
Then a few weeks before we were to move at around 3:45 in the morning on May 28th, I woke up to a strange smell and no electricity. The house was on fire. At that time it was just a spark in the floor and not being awake, thought I could put it out. Well I threw something on it that burst into flames and threw smoke in my face. I ran and opened the door, took a deep breath and then turned frantically yelling at the kids to get up and get OUT of the house because it was on fire. It was so dark that night. There was no moon and no electricity. Nothing to see by. I couldn't think straight and don't feel like I did anything right. I didn't even think to go out a window. The fire was so small I thought we could just run by and out the door, and if it weren't for the massive amount of smoke that rose up and no lighting, we could have.
Andrew ran out of the house and to safety just like that, no burns, no smoke inhalation, nothing! He even swears he ran out the front door that was right by the fire. There's no way he could have done that and not get injured, but he did. He tells me that he had an angel taking him out of the house. Macy and I ran to the door. I took a step ahead to open the door and instead of running through like I thought she would, she took a step back and said, "Mommy, I'm scared" Those were the last words I heard from my daughter. The smoke welled up between us and Just like that she was gone. Where I failed to reach her, her Heavenly Father stepped in and took her home at that very moment. I still tried to reach her, the human part of me not wanting to accept, but I knew in my heart that she was gone. I felt the moment her spirit rose above us. I was on the floor trying to reach as far as I could to get her while trying to hold the door open with my foot. I knew if I closed that door we would both die and then I heard a voice tellling me that I had about 2 seconds to live and I saw in my mind Andrew sitting outside all alone and scared. I backed out the door and ran to my neighbor's house. I started screaming that Macy was still in the house and could he please just get her body out for me. I couldn't bear to think of my baby girl burning. He managed to get her out, but as I already knew, she was gone.
I was in shock. I didn't realize at that time how badly injured I was. I just thought that I had injured my hand because the skin had burned off and was bleeding. It took forever to get the ambulance there. -the second one anyway. They took Macy away in the first one trying to revive her. I met the second one in the street begging for them to make the pain stop. I have 2 memories from that part of the night; I remember going through a stop light and then I remember being on the helicopter and thinking they were airlifting me somewhere.
I woke up 4 days later in ICU at Children's Hospital in Little Rock. I found out that my baby girl had been cremated due to the damage to her body and not knowing how long I would be in a coma. And I learned how bad I was. I had 2nd degree burns over 22% of my body. Mainly my head/face, neck and arms. I had the worst case of smoke inhalation they had ever had at Children's and survived. I was a miracle and my doctor would often bring people by to show them the "miracle". I was in the hospital for 11 days and then they let me out to attend Macy's service. I went back in for 7 days for skin grafting on both my arms. That was the most (physically) painful thing I have ever experienced. I was in constant pain. I had to peel my legs away from the sheets every morning from where they had become stuck throughout the night. I couldn't even walk when I left the hospital and had to use a walker to get around. But from there I began to heal and improve. My arms are still terribly scarred and will take a LONG time to heal. I am supposed to be wearing pressure sleeves to speed the process, but I'm not that good about it. Shame on me, I know. I've been told that I was unrecognizable and that my head swelled larger than a basketball. My whole family was scared they were going to lose me on top of losing Macy. I only had a 25% chance of living those first 2 days and I truly believe I made it due to the prayers of so many.
I did get to be with Macy some while I was in the coma, but I didn't realize it until a few days later. I had memories of holding her in my lap and stroking her hair and telling her how much I loved her. That's all I could remember. I didn't know if it had happened before the accident or if I had dreamed it. One night in the hospital mom said she wanted to tell me something and proceeded to tell me that while I was out they would come in and talk to me. I responded especially to my dad's and Jamey's voices. I would pat my chest and make a "rocking a baby" motion in my arms. That's when I knew that it wasn't a dream and that we had had a chance to say goodbye one last itime on the other side. I just wish I could remember more of that moment than just the tiny bit I do.
I was on so many drugs and just trying to struggle back to health in the hospital that my grief was delayed. The first weekend I came off the drugs was HORRIBLE. It really hit me that she was gone and I cried the whole weekend. We went to Build a bear to rebuild our animals that had been so special to us and I cried. We went out to eat and I cried. We went to Walmart and it about did me in. Everything there reminded me of her. I kept seeing things that she would have loved and almost broke down completely. Since then it hasn't gotten much better. I am so sad all the time. A HUGE chunk of me is missing. She was truly my best friend and the greatest person I've ever known. I used to say that she was so much like me - only better. Much better ! And I was right, she was. All my life I wanted a little girl and she was more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. I thanked God every day for giving me such a special gift of both my children. Where Macy was my joy and my happiness, Andrew has always been my stability and my rock. At 2 years of age, he'd ask me things like, "Mom do you have enough gas? Do we need to stop?" He's always taken care of me. I've never asked him to or expected him to, but in his own little way he always has. He used to tell Jamey, "Don't talk to my mommy that way," when things were bad. He's such a little trooper.
Andrew is doing really well. We are having him visit his counselor to see if she recommends additional counseling for him. He has developed some nervous ticks we are worried about. He misses his sissy a lot. They've been together since before birth and have a bond I'll never understand but wil always treasure. However, he is doing really well in school and is currently undergoing testing for Gifted and Talented. He's also active in Awanas and Flag Football.
Jamey has been amazingly supportive through it all. I could not imagine what this experience would be like if he had not undergone his transformation. God had a plan and gave us back each other before he took our baby girl. I'll never understand why he took her so young, but I do know that she is perfect and in Heaven and happier than I could ever possibly imagine. But that doesn't take away our pain of living without her. We plan to start trying for more children early next year, but they will never be Macy or take her place. Though we do hope they carry on a few of her special traits.
I have carried much guilt over not being able to save her, but I know that it was God's plan to take her home and he knew the time of her death before she was even born just as he knows mine. I have wished many times since then that he would have taken me too. I just want to be where she is. Life is so different now. Having part of myself on the other side already, has changed my whole outlook on everything. I think so much more about the future and my home in Heaven and how I can be a better person to honor her memory.
One thing I haven't metioned yet, but is so, so important is the AMAZING support I have received from my community, my family and my online friends and strangers! You see, I was a single parent and thought that no one cared about me. My own mother wasn't even speaking to me till the accident. But after it happened people came from all over to just sit at the hospital and pray, prayer chains were formed, financial help came pouring in, cards came from all around the country. My CZ. Fugee, and Dis friends came out in full force sending cards, gifts, letters and prayers. I LOVE YOU ALL. You are what has gotten me through so far and lift me up each day. I would not have and could not make it without your support. It's been incredible and unbelievable and never again will I make the mistake of believing that I'm not important or cared about. I Lost so much in one night; my precious daughter, my home, my belongings, my hair, and much of my skin, but I received a special gift too. I will never forget the look in my mother's eyes when I woke up from the coma. They were just sparkling with so much love that I had never seen before and always wanted. :) I received love from all over and I will carry your love with me all the days of my life.
September 29, 2006
My poor son came crashing down today. He's been so tough and so strong, but we knew that his time was coming. He's been through so much with the fire, his sissy dying, his mommy almost dying, losing everything he owned, and moving, so we knew eventually it would catch up with him.
So, Jamey contacted the school counselor and had her meet with him to see if she recommended additional counseling. Today she pullled him from class and talked to him then gave us a call back letting us know that he's doing well, but she does recommend additional counseling for him. He has picked up a lot of nervous habits like moving his fingers all the time and making motions with his arms that he didn't do before.
Anyway, he was in a sad mood when he got home and I asked him about the session. He wanted to know How I knew about that (duh!) and didn't really want to talk to me about anything. So, I let it drop.
Tonight was his flag football practice and he's been reluctant to play. Jamey insisted that he give it a try and signed him up. He's been having fun some of the time and some not. We went outside and practiced before time to leave and he was fine and having fun.
Fast forward to later, they get home from practice and his eyes are all red. Jamey said that at the end of practice Andrew just walked over to the coach and told him that he didn't want to be there and didn't want to play anymore and then broke down crying. Jamey was stunned, so I went into mommy mode...Jamey left for a little while and I set down to talk to Andrew. He was upset about EVERYTHING. He doesn't want to play because he's never home, he doesn't like running and is embarrassed (because Jamey made fun of him like dad's do sometimes, but it just broke his heart), because he really didn't want to play in the first place but daddy wanted him to and he's afraid that his daddy will be mad at him if he doesn't like it and on and on. He just broke down bawling on me and I know it's not just about football, but everything that weighs on his little shoulders.
So, we had a good talk and then Jamey came back and talked with him and then we all talked together. We're going to let him quit football and we're not going to enroll him in Taikwondo (that he's really wanting to do, but we feel like he wouldn't be happy there at the moment either) and we are just going to focus on being a family and doing more together as a unit. Oh, he was also concerned that if he kept playing he'd move up to "tackling" and was afraid he'd get hurt. I really think he's afraid of dying after all he's been through and that just breaks my heart. I know God has a plan and I can even understand taking Macy, and "us" getting used to it, But why did he take her from Andrew?? She was his best friend. They completed each other perfectly and now he's an only child. Even when we have more children (that he's really pushing for) they'll be so far apart in age that they won't be close playmates. :-(
I'm just so sad for all of us. I can handle my grief, but knowing that he's hurting so much is really difficult. :-(
October 1, 2006
After all the drama last week, Andrew decided he wanted to play football after all....30 minutes before the game! Jamey had him call his coach to let him know that he is for sure quitting and low and behold he tells his coach that he wants to play. So, we hurry and get ready and head to his game where he does GREAT! He totally saved the game in one play near the end. He kept the other team from scoring the winning touchdown, which kept the game a tie, but they don't really keep score anyway. Um yeah right, the parents do. lol
Anyway, his coach was so proud that he called and congratulated him last night and then caught him after church this morning and told him again. Andrew was soo proud!
He also got accepted into the gifted and talented program at school and is also very excited about that. So, he ended up having a good week after all. :)
I've had a better week as well. I still miss my girl with every breath I take, but I haven't cried as much -which means I only cry every day not all day every day. I just don't understand why she had to go so young, but I know that I will never have that answer as long as I'm on this side. I look down the road of life without her and it seems so long and bleak...but I digress. This is supposed to be a good update.
The rest of our new furniture came in Friday so that lifted my spirits a bit. The house is looking really good and I'll try to take some pics and upload them later this week.
Jamey and I are doing better than we ever have. I have been so hesitant to trust him again, but he's been so patient, and kind, and understanding. He finally realized that trust is earned and he's done a wonderful job of earning mine. He truly is a new person and a testament to the power of the Lord in one's life. =D
This week I've got to work on getting our wedding invitations finished and making our dinner reservations for Disney or we're not going to get to eat while we're there!! lol
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Been a long time!
I haven't blogged in such a long time and I really need to start doing it again! So, here we goooo.
Noah is getting SO big! He can stand, cruise, and get into anything and everything. He is such a curious little boy! Big brother, Andrew, is starting to feel some of those pre-teen hormones and starting to smart off to dear ol' mom and dad. Breaks my heart to see my baby disappearing. :( But he's still a great kid and we're trying to nip the attitude in the bud!
As for me, it's time to lose some weight! After getting married the weight started to creep up, but after being injured and losing Macy, it really got out of control. So, hubby has bet me that if I lose 50 pounds we can go to Disneyworld!!! How's that for motivation! We went ahead and booked our trip for the beautiful Polynesian resort at Disney with free dining for the last week of Sept, so now I've got to do the work. I'm down 3 lbs this week already - only 47 more to go. lol I'm a comfort eater. I eat when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm lonely, when I'm bored. Heck, I just plain love food! But, I'm going to try and blog now instead of eating when I normally would. Wish me luck! :)
Noah is getting SO big! He can stand, cruise, and get into anything and everything. He is such a curious little boy! Big brother, Andrew, is starting to feel some of those pre-teen hormones and starting to smart off to dear ol' mom and dad. Breaks my heart to see my baby disappearing. :( But he's still a great kid and we're trying to nip the attitude in the bud!
As for me, it's time to lose some weight! After getting married the weight started to creep up, but after being injured and losing Macy, it really got out of control. So, hubby has bet me that if I lose 50 pounds we can go to Disneyworld!!! How's that for motivation! We went ahead and booked our trip for the beautiful Polynesian resort at Disney with free dining for the last week of Sept, so now I've got to do the work. I'm down 3 lbs this week already - only 47 more to go. lol I'm a comfort eater. I eat when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm lonely, when I'm bored. Heck, I just plain love food! But, I'm going to try and blog now instead of eating when I normally would. Wish me luck! :)
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